COLUMN: Governor race a mockery

Published: Tuesday, August 26, 2003

There's a new breed of politician, and it's coming to a theater near you!

The recall election in California has been the topic of much debate recently and many are scrutinously asking, "Are recall elections ethical? Or are they merely a way for big money hustlers like Bill Simon to sway government doings? And if a recall occurs, is justice being served when one of the recall candidates takes office by garnering a lower approval rating than that currently held by Gray Davis?"

While these are all good questions, the answer to whether recall elections are a sound alternative rests precariously on a slippery slope.

In some ways, recall elections are a little like political piracy; the unpopular politician is hoisted from his throne before his term is up in order to make way for a preferred replacement. This begs the question: If someone is elected to do a job for four years and suddenly upsets the public with his decisions, should he be fired? Or should Davis be guaranteed the full four years to repair his mistakes and fulfill his duties?

Others regard recall elections as a feasible solution to rectifying high tier incompetence. After electing Davis, many Californians feel like he is no longer the most suitable man for the job and should be replaced by someone who can perform to a higher standard.

Unlike an impeachment hearing, recall elections don't accuse the defendant with any illegal activity; rather, they merely censure and point out a lack of constituent confidence. And in a democratic society, if the majority of people want to relinquish someone's political authority, shouldn't they have the right to do so?

This is where things start to get ugly. Most educated Americans concur that the majority of the population is made up of complete buffoons, and they're right in this belief. So to predicate the future of a country based on millions of button-pushing nincompoops seems like a very precarious way to run a country. Most Americans don't even know what their candidate's platform is, but the Constitution guarantees them the right to vote for the guy with a cooler sounding name.

The real humor lies not in the Constitutional promise that a million bozos get to determine the shape of things to come, but in the pool of qualified individuals who should be running the country, which seems to be shrinking by the day.

While the legitimacy of recall elections should be the most important issue in California and the rest of the country, it's not. Instead, Americans are more concerned with which of the recall election candidates has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Since actor John Wilkes Booth popped Honest Abe in the noggin, acting and politics have celebrated an inseparable partnership, the pinnacle of which can be seen in the rocket to stardom of John F. Kennedy. Since Kennedy's forays with America's most noted blonde bombshell, Sonny Bono, Ronald Reagan, Clint Eastwood and Charlton Heston (the latter three have all frenched apes, by the way) have all tried their hand in the politician poker game of celebrity and affairs of the state. And it's happening again in California.

Since the early rumors of a recall election, porn super-mogul Larry Flint, Different Strokes' diminutive Gary Coleman, watermelon smashing comedian and general good-for-nothing Gallagher, coitus queen Mary Carey and former Mr. Universe/star of Kindergarten Cop Arnold Schwarzenegger have all announced their intention to run for governor of America's most populated state.

Welcome to the freak show, folks! Two bits a gander!

It's easy to see that none of these candidates could be deemed "qualified" for the job. While Larry Flint has spent a lot of time in the courtroom arguing his right to expose women's genitals to the public, it appears as though the Austrian terminator has the best shot of taking the cake.

Schwarzenegger has already been vicariously employed by the government before by continually playing military men and police officers. Arnold may also be able to get a grasp on California's immigration problems as he trenchantly demonstrated his ability to wrangle up evasive aliens in Predator.

Strengthening Schwarzenegger's chances is his role in True Lies, in which he played a federal agent hunted by international terrorists. But with all of the action Schwarzenegger has seen in the last 20 years, one might wonder: Will politics be interesting enough for Conan the Republican? Perhaps we should be giving him a high profile position lest he get fed up with taking press conferences and lay waste to every reporter in the room with a battle-axe.

Fortunately, Arnold's political aspirations could never carry him as far as the White House as he's not an American by birth. However, I fear that Schwarzenegger already has an answer to this problem. Borrowing from the plot of The 6th Day, scientists could birth a clone of Arnold inside the United States, speed up the aging process by feeding him nothing but coffee and Miracle Grow and install the Arnold clone in the White House. Oh the humanity!

Now you might be saying that it's important to see the actor apart from his movies, that to separate the two is essential. Perhaps actors can be good politicians.

But even before Arny starred in action flicks making casual murder to the '90s what casual sex was to the '60's, he wasn't all there. With an aspiration to sculpt his body after Gigantopithecus, can California stand to replace a poor financial manager with a violence-endorsing, self-absorbed body builder? And after admitting to using steroids, it's important to keep in mind that Arnold could have some very serious health concerns in the near future. Remember that steroids of Arny's era have been linked to causing brain cancer. And I don't think merely saying, "It's not a toom-ah," will dispel concerns.

While its true principles of acting and politics are structured around performance, rhetoric, approval ratings, hob knobbing and fundraising, the similarities between the two fields stop there. It takes years to understand the interconnectivity and complicated networks of politics. And jumping in head first in the race for governor might be a little too ambitious.

There's not a dearth of candidates to replace Davis. However, there is a dearth of suitable candidates. Instead of looking at a ballot that more resembles the MTV Movie Awards, California would be wise to stick with a professional and allow Gray Davis to complete his term. Unfortunately, America seems content on being the laboratory of humanity. So get ready for the decade of political method acting!

Hey Arny, I've got an idea for your re-election campaign: "I'll be back!"