COLUMN: New gun ridiculously large

Published: Thursday, March 6, 2003

In case you haven't noticed, bears are everywhere. They hang out in the parking lot behind the Frontier, smoking cigarettes. They chase me home, nipping at my heels. They sit in my English class and heckle my professor.

And in Wyoming, a brown bear recently ate a popular democratic senator and is dictatorially occupying the senator's office (apparently the bear's the first Green Party member ever to wield a position of political power in Wyoming).

If the aforementioned instances of rambunctious bear antics weren't enough to awaken your deep-rooted hatred of the Ursidae family, just wait.

Last November, a pack of grizzlies held 17 people hostage in a Burger King in Arizona. Sure, no one was harmed, nary a scratch on the wee littlest head, but after six hours of watching the bears gorge themselves on Whoppers, chicken nuggets and chocolate shakes, 15 of the 17 hostages reported the onset of Post-Traumatic Fast-Food Disorder.

In case you're not familiar with this disorder, chronic anxiety attacks at the sight of a drive-thru window, a hamburger, or box of French fries are symptomatic of the condition. Side effects include eating salads, leaving the couch to look for the remote and frequent exercising.

But this is America and as Americans, we can't let bears take away a person's right to enjoy a scrumptious, lard-enriched Happy Meal. That's just plain cruel. With all those preservatives, we want to start the embalming process pre-death, and without some intrusive zoo critter asking, "Are you gonna finish that?"

But the bears want to take it all away. The bears must be stopped.

Fortunately, prominent boom-stick manufacturer Smith & Wesson has safeguarded mankind against those scofflaw bears and their salmon breath. The new .50 Magnum handgun, the most powerful handgun ever made, just hit the market.

About damn time. My .44 just wasn't cutting it anymore.

If you weren't content with blowing a hole in someone (and by "someone," I obviously mean "bear") the size of a basketball, the new .50 Magnum is so strong that it's actually been purported to rip holes in your target and the time-space continuum. Killing bears and time travel -- what more could you ask for?

In response to concerns about the application of such a ridiculously powerful gun, S&W spokesman Ken Jorgensen was quoted in an Associated Press article as saying, "The primary market for [the .50 magnum] is hunting," and, in particular, hunting bears.

With that, Jorgenson has completely assuaged all the public's fears that the gun will be misused in any shape or form.

While many experts suggest you punch a charging bear square in the nose, more conservative naturalists (pansies) urge you not to antagonize bears at all.

Whatever. Where's your sense of adventure? If there's a gun on the market that can make me feel safe walking up to a 600-pound carnivore, I want it and I want it now.

But Smith & Wesson promises not to stop with bears. Oh, no. The innovative S&W announced recently that it plans to release nine new munitions models in the near future.

I can hardly wait to get my hands on the .75 magnum patio cannon. That'll teach those pesky elephants to stay out of my cherry trees.

My only concern is that the new .50 Magnum might fall into the wrong hands. With a handgun of such epic proportions, it holds the potential for disaster were it be misused. Imagine the chaos that would ensue if a bear were to get a hold of one of these things.

The .50 Magnum has roughly three-times the muzzle energy of the .44 (the kind used by Dirty Harry). With such a weapon, a maniacal bear could pierce the bulletproof vest of a cop, rob a bank, or pull a drive-by, or -- worst of all -- commit suicide.

We won't stand for some 10-year-old kid being deprived of taking down a snarling Ursus arctos because the bear took himself out first. That little boy's moment of glory will be ruined. He'll grow up feeling inadequate, probably drive a Miata and be in that small minority of men who actually fold their clothes.

Do you want this to happen? Neither do I. We have to ensure that only humans are allowed to possess these guns because, naturally, we're the only ones with enough intelligence to understand the responsibility that possessing a handgun entails.

My recommendation is that everyone go out, buy a .50 Magnum and tag yourself a bear, because once all the bears are gone, society will once again be a safe utopia.As for me, as soon as I get my hands on one of those glistening 4.5 pound, 8.5 inch barrel beauties, I'm gonna hunt me some Winnie the Pooh. Watch out!


Shoot an e-mail over to erichow@unm.edu