COLUMN: White Sands glorifies first bomb detonation

Published: Thursday, April 3, 2003


Attention all lovers of mass destruction!

In celebration of America's awesome power to blow things to smithereens with little to no remorse, the White Sands Missile Range will open the pearly gates of Ground Zero to the public on Saturday, April 5 from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. for all interested parties - a.k.a. the death obsessed.

The occasion? The celebration of the world's first nuclear bomb detonation, which took place 58 years ago in southern New Mexico near Alamogordo.

That's right, folks. Before Japan got dealt a double tempura suplex more devastating than wasabi up the nose, Gary and Wyatt from "Weird Science," and several other noteworthy scientists, proved their love for the land of amber waves of grain (that's America, stupid) by accepting the most risqué mission since Cool Hand Luke ate 50 hard-boiled eggs in an hour.

The noble nerds congregated in Los Alamos in 1942 with the intention of developing a novel alcoholic beverage that was destined to become the drink nouveau du high society cocktail parties. Mysteriously labeled "The Manhattan Project," the crew, lead by mastermind Dr. J. Robert Oppenheimer, failed miserably in their initial goal. Imagine - a group of nuclear physicists couldn't remember that a Manhattan is two ounces Rye Whiskey, 3/4 ounces Sweet Vermouth and three dashes of Angostura Bitters. Talk about a socialite faux pas nightmare.

But fortunately for President Roosevelt's biker gang The Deadly Peace Cobras (a.k.a. the Allied Powers, the United States, France, England and the now defunct Soviet Union), within two years' time the rambunctious scientists serendipitously stumbled upon a way of reaching critical mass while mixing grenadine and napalm with a splash of Pernod. The 19-kiloton nuclear equivalent of the bubonic plague helped preserve the integrity of Europe's Jewish population and contained the spread of guttural tongues and Ochsenschwanzsuppe.

The first nuclear bomb, or "doomsday device" as it were referred to by skeptics, was tested at White Sands on July 16, 1945. While there's no doubt that the scientists were super-smart braniacs, some actually feared that the bomb might ignite all the oxygen in the earth's atmosphere and kill everybody on the planet. What a riot!

Thankfully, the scientists risked world annihilation, dropped the bomb, clenched their teeth, and watched from a meager 10,000 yards away as the sand of southern New Mexico was instantaneously melted into Trinitite - a green radioactive glass - by the super-hot 40,000 foot tall mushroom cloud. (Interesting trivia fact: The force behind the detonation shattered windows up to 120 miles away!)

The Trinity Site (named after the holy trinity of Larry, Curly, and Moe) is open only twice a year to civilians, so seize the opportunity. Though most of the Trinitite has been snagged in an attempt to breed a legion of superhumans in a hidden lair miles beneath the earth's crust, some find consolation in knowing that had they stood next to the brick Trinity Monument at 5:29 a.m. on July 16, 1945, they too could have become the Incredible Hulk.

For our hungry patrons, snacks and beverages will be on sale, so you won't have to celebrate death on an empty stomach.



Shoot a skud over to erichow@unm.edu