COLUMN: Bats could be secret weapon

Published: Thursday, March 27, 2003


As the tension surrounding the war in Iraq heightens, the United States continues to look for new resolutions for the arenaceous Persian Gulf chokehold. And it should come as no surprise that new avenues of tactical warfare are currently being employed.

However, it takes a strange mind to turn a lackadaisical stroll through the zoo into a scouting mission for new military recruits. And yet, such is the case with the U.S. Armed Forces.

While the use of animals in combat is not a new notion by any means (horses, dogs and pigeons have all been used, and who could forget Hannibal the Barbarian's champion elephant Surus!), the U.S. Navy has stumbled upon a new and rather obscure combat treasure. Dolphins.

Renowned for their intellectual superiority and rambunctious squealing, it didn't take long before the natural gifts supplied to our deep-sea mammalian brethren were exploited in the interests of mankind. Bottle Nosed Dolphins, endemic to practically every ocean in the world, are presently being used to detect mines off the coast of Umm Qasr and other port towns. These dolphins are specially trained to use their sonar mind tricks to seek out mines that Iraqi soldiers may have placed offshore.

If the dolphins say the coast is clear, the Marines drop anchor, spend several labor-filled days drinking and mingling with local harlots, and then commence to skewer some Arab-kabobs.

According to U.S. Navy Captain Mike Tillotson, the dolphins, which are being transported in first-class, luxury fleece-lined slings, "travel very well." Though I was unable to contact Tillotson himself, a Southwestern Airlines representative told me that "traveling well" for dolphins is not all that different from humans; staying seated during landing and take-off, not smoking in the restrooms, and refraining from spouting blowhole water at the stewardesses when requests for extra pillows go unheard are all characteristic of a well behaved traveler.

Zoological wartime potential is an amazing, untapped resource. Historically, animals have contributed so much to the veni, vidi, vici mentality that it begs the question: What animals could contribute to our plight?

So I got to thinking.

If the Navy has an aquamarine animal aiding in the war against terrorism, it's only fair that the other branches of the militia should have a patriotic animal as well. My suggestion for the Air Force: vampire bats.

The beauty lies in the simplicity of it all. If a plague of airborne vampire bats were unleashed on Baghdad, planting their demon seed in the necks of every Iraqi, the time required to exterminate Saddam Hussein and his band of ruffians would be cut in half.

Operation Guano Flapjack consists of six painless stages:

1) Release hordes of flying underworld spawn, turning every citizen of Iraq into a sanguinary Dracula.

2) Close off all borders with Iraq.

3) Wait. The vampire experts I consulted predict that within 72 hours every Iraqi citizen will be infected and, with the borders closed, no fresh blood will be available. Given the voracious appetite of vampires, all warm-blooded beasts (goats, sheep, etc.) will be sucked dry within another 48 hours. The Iraqi vampires will then wither and grow weak from malnourishment and lack the energy to escape the accursed sun.

4) Spray a lethal concoction of garlic gas over the country thereby eliminating the stubborn stragglers hiding in the shadows.

5) Sweep up the mess.

6) Throw a party. (Stage six is optional.)

With the Air Force and the Navy taken care of, that leaves us with the terrestrial divisions of the Armed Forces, the Coast Guard, and the Marines. Because no one really gives two hoots about the Coast Guard (a.k.a. bullhorn jockeys) and the Marines are currently working on arming salmon with lasers (early trials were purportedly flawed, undesired side-effects consisted of sashimi massacres and swimming downstream), we'll stick to the Army.

Finding a suitable animal to represent the Army was quite a task. Images of quails and armadillos immediately came to mind. And then it hit me. As all children and adults with head trauma know, the Tasmanian devil is a ferocious beast capable of summoning tornados at will.

While tornados in themselves are not devastating enough to wipe out the entirety of Iraq's forces, a now-extinct cousin of the Tasmanian devil, the Tasmanian tiger-wolf, possessed the awesome power to summon lightning storms, earthquakes, tsunamis, and cholera. Dubbed the "Gandalf of marsupials," the Tasmanian tiger-wolf would indubitably be of assistance in these desperate times.

My recommendation is that geneticists work as diligently as possible to reproduce and clone this striped beast, in all of its pouched glory, before it's too late.

In the meantime, all Iraqi generals are hereby challenged to box ten, three-minute rounds with a full-grown kangaroo. If they lose, their infantrymen must lay down their weapons.

Place your bets!



Send preserved specimens to erichow@unm.edu