COLUMN: Freedom fries give patriotism bad taste

Published: Thursday, March 13, 2003


I didn't think it could be done, but American politicians have turned innocent fast food fritters into patriotic pro-war propaganda.

On March 3, two ignoramuses representing the Republican Party for the Washington State House of Representatives stormed out during the session's opening prayer. To make matters worse, a Muslim imam -- or leader of Islam -- was performing the prayer and Reps. Lois McMahan and Cary Condotta couldn't bear his presence. Thus, they left, citing "patriotism" and "lack of interest" as reasons for their hasty retreat.

After this embarrassing imbroglio, I didn't think the House of Representatives could bring any more shame upon themselves or the American people. Yet sometimes it seems as though the world exists just to prove me wrong.

According to an Associated Press article "Au Revoir to French food names," the newest fad du politique taking place on Capitol Hill is hitting politicians right where it counts: in their pasty, oversized guts. The House of Representatives has introduced an incendiary way of allowing cabinet members to clog their arteries and feel patriotic simultaneously.

In retaliation to France's disapproval of the war against Iraq, Rep. Bob Ney of Ohio, who just so happens to be chairman of House Administrations Committee, demanded that all House restaurants stop serving French fries immediately.

"Sacre bleu," you say. "American pig-dogs, you have lost zee mind!"

Hold your kerchief, Pierre.

The glistening, golden starch sticks will still be served but, in accordance to Heir Ley's whimsical fastidiousness, snooty Frenchies will no longer receive credit for inventing America's favorite girth enhancing snack. From here on out French fries will be known as Freedom Fries, and they will be sprinkled liberally (even by Conservatives) with salt and pepper, bringing cheer and good will toward men.

However, preliminary reports indicate that the French are unaffected by America's facile patriotism. The French Embassy has made no comment except to report that French fries originated in Belgium and only carry the name French because of the way they're cut. (To French means a lot more than adeptness with your tongue; it also means to cut lengthwise.)

If we really want to teach those Napoleon-following truffle hunters a lesson, why don't we just return the Statue of Liberty (sculpted by French national Auguste Bartholdi in 1884) and replace it with a 150-foot tall Freedom Fry Monument?

Freedom fries and catsup are the House's bipartisan answer to communion wafers and wine; they're the newest nationalistic transubstantiate snack. Catsup, obviously, is symbolic for the blood shed by thousands of Americans who have died or been injured or gotten paper cuts during combat, and Freedom fries represent their bones. Eat up, soldier!

If one of your favorite foods happens to bear the name of some place that doesn't support the United States in the war against Iraq (Germany, Russia, hell, throw in Antarctica and Liechtenstein ¾ what have they ever done for us lately), don't worry, you can just change it; inject some blatant pro-American ballyhoo and you're good to go.

Hamburgers are named after a city in Germany, so if you see someone eating a hamburger, punch him in the teeth. He's a communist, terrorist, cannibal, marsupial, and everything else Americans hate. But if he's eating a Liberty Meat Sandwich, give him a hug; he's on our side.

It's depressing that a nation that used to embrace cultural diversity is now turning its back on ethnic cuisine because of political strife. Imagine all the palatable wonders the French have given us: Brie, escargot, crepes, omelets, croissant, Juliette Binoche and, well, you get the picture. Should we have to give these things up, or the delicacies of any other nation, to be labeled "True Americans?" Hogwash and flimflam, I say.

Do the immature Capitol Hill crybabies whole-heartedly believe that changing the etymology of a food term will have any significant impact on the loyalty of the American people? It seems as though there are more pressing matters that politicians could be devoting their attentions to than edible brainwashing.

Patriotism is not something that is contingent upon what kind of foods you eat and where those foods originated. It's about loving your homeland zealously, but not irrationally. And if adopting a diet that boycotts foreign-sounding food means you're a stronger American for it, we have sunk to a new low.


Super Size your emails to erichow@unm.edu. Thank you, drive through.