COLUMN: Police useless in Roosevelt

Published: Tuesday, January 21, 2003


Hello and welcome to your Frisbee Golf Tutorial.

As one of the only Frisbee golf courses located in the metropolis of Albuquerque, the Roosevelt Park Resort offers some of the finest terrain imaginable.

With more than seven different courses to choose from, Roosevelt Park Resort, on Coal Avenue, has certainly blossomed since the secure and family oriented setting it was not 10 years ago. But to truly understand how litter, illegal activities and neglect have only enhanced the Frisbee golf experience tucked between Roosevelt Park Resort's rolling hills, one must first understand the basic principles of the game itself.

The elements of the Frisbee golf are simple. First, the players lob their Frisbees in the general direction of the tee -- a trashcan sized metal basket -- with the intent to eventually put the Frisbee in the basket located at a considerable distance from the concrete tee. The player who successfully places the Frisbee in the basket with the fewest number of throws, or shots, wins the hole.

While Frisbee golf is considerably easier than Tiger Woods' domain, a few "obstacles" at Roosevelt Park Resort's Frisbee golf course make play extreme, exciting and often life-threateningly enjoyable. Many of these obstacles are unique to Albuquerque and give the Roosevelt Park Frisbee golf course, found in the "student ghetto" (a humorous and adorable epithet), its distinctive ambiance.

First and foremost, in lieu of sand traps, the Frisbee golf course in Albuquerque has some of the finest unconscious homeless in the entire Southwest. These diligent multi-tasking hobos not only partake in much-needed R.E.M. sleep some 18 hours a day, but also offer Albuquerque Frisbee golfers some of the only human obstructions in the entire United States.

Determined to perform their job with the utmost integrity, these often-intoxicated living "bunkers" camouflage themselves as best as possible by petitioning soap and other cleaning agents and frequently covering their bodies in sand, soot and soil.

More dangerous, both physically and mentally, than ordinary sand traps, human obstructions are likely to bite, pinch and curse at any player who pelts, or "lands," in a sand trap. Beware!

Another benefit of playing at the Roosevelt Park Frisbee Golf Course is the course's free caddie service. With years of inexperience under their belts, when they're not relieving themselves in the deep forestation and desert fauna, these meandering confabulators offer some of the best advice available. And what makes their gnostic insight even more valuable is that they've never touched a Frisbee golf disk nor do they even vaguely comprehend the rules of the game!

But most assuredly the most precious resource Roosevelt Resort has to offer is most insidious group of contrabandists available. The imbroglios that transpire at Roosevelt not only aid in killing the brain cells of today's youth and tomorrow's leaders, they appeal to the bathtub pharmaceutical seeker in all of us. In fact, Roosevelt Park is notorious for its rich geological formations. A new kind of rock has been discovered in this very park -- crack! These daring geologists spend their days pursuing philanthropic endeavors by easing the addictive cravings of the stricken.

When teeing off, one must be careful not to interrupt the business of the clubhouse, makeshift doctors. By purchasing crack rocks at the outdoor souvenir shops, these gregarious hustlers help elementary school children from being bogged down with cumbersome ideas like practical knowledge and skill development by ensuring that they will become future sand traps.

The lumbering, mustachioed course security guards, or Police Officers, as they prefer to be called, come and go through the park in a rather nomadic fashion. These powerful beasts, like the silverback gorilla, are often more bluff than action. Rarely staying in one place long enough to disrupt the aesthetic of the game by escorting the sand traps or course doctors off of the field, they're generally regarded as harmless. Should you see a Police Officer, observe it from a distance and notice how they almost always travel in isolation, thus decreasing their efficacy.

Finally, players should be aware that large dogs without leashes are often seen bounding through Roosevelt Park Resort. Unlike the Police Officers, these animals will and often leave players with gashing wounds. However, cuts inflicted by a rabid, undomesticated mutt are often considered good luck.

Should you see the actual owner of a loose canine, please thank them for affording their dog the privilege to attack small children and chew up players' equipment. Also, please discourage them from cleaning up after their dog as hazards on the field, even of the organic variety, encourage player versatility.

This concludes the Albuquerque Frisbee Golf Tutorial. Remember, Frisbee golf at Roosevelt Park is free and to play one need only have tolerance, a high threshold for impudence and a small bat should any of the sand traps wake up.

If you have enjoyed playing at the Roosevelt Park Frisbee Golf Course due to the mendicant environs, please call the Phil Chacon Substation at 256-2050 and urge them to continue to do nothing. After all, part of the mystique of the course is that you never know just how likely you are to get caught in the crossfire of gang related activity, or how many crack heads you'll spot by the time you reach the fifth hole.

Play on!