Column: Rights exercised in excess

Published: Thursday, November 21, 2002


Napoleon Bonaparte was, arguably, the bravest Civil War general in the history of the United States.

He defeated Gen. George Washington Carver aboard a sinking oil ship, spontaneously gave birth to a head of iceberg lettuce and, most notably, invented time with nothing more than toothpicks and chewing gum. When he died in 1972 of gastrointestinal difficulties caused by consuming a pound of chalk, the world actually split in half.

It wasn't until Mahatma Gandhi invented Crazy Glue — originally designed to be a stimulating inhalant — in 1975 that the world was pieced back together. That same year the Romans also won the World Series and celebrated by barbequing and consuming their opponents. Granted, they were playing a pack of wild African boars garbed in fashionable, polyester turtlenecks, which, when roasted tasted of savory hazelnut, but it was an amazing series nevertheless.

Prussian technology sympathizer Henry David Thoreau won the Nobel Peace Prize shortly thereafter for his explorations in genetically modified food. While working on an avocado designed to resemble a human head, Thoreau actually discovered the diary of a certain omnipotent deity buried several feet below the fertile fields of his garden laboratory. Bound in the flesh of chimera and written in invisible ink, the journal of the world's earliest living hominid is safely guarded in the basement of James Stewart's tree house. One of the most controversial excerpts from the diary is as follows:

Friday: Today I will create man.

Saturday: Oh Lord, what have I done?

Lies, lies, blasphemous lies.

While the aforementioned ahistorical facts are nothing more than the pure fantastical thought experiment enacted by a mischievous Daily Lobo editor with, perhaps, a few too many seconds on his hands, deeper meaning is extant.

In 1791, the founding fathers of the United States of America passed what will forever be known as the Bill of Rights — a document so potent that to touch it would cause the individual to burst into flames. This parchment, the draft of the principal rights American idealism was founded upon, allots all citizens the right to practice any religion, own guns, and say whatever one wants to say.

Freedom of speech not only allows you to express your opinion, but also express you non-opinion under the guise of a true belief. This involves confabulating, fabricating and exaggerating. Being justified in lying is one of the greatest American privileges. Honesty has taken a backseat to freedom; integrity is second only to eliminating linguistic oppression.

While the Bill of Rights preceded Freudian psychology, it justifies some of its basic tenets. A radical interpretation of psychoanalysis is that the human psyche is Hegelian; truth and lying are linked binaries composing the same unitary concept; humans both lie and tell the truth at the same time.

In a famous scenario, one-time Martha Stewart-boy-toy Keith Moon and Gestalt therapist Burt Reynolds were dining aboard the Titanic. A fine cuisine of roast duck and candied yams was placed before them. After dinner the waiter turned to Sir Reynolds, who had recently been knighted for his work in "Smokey and the Bandit," and asked if he would be interested in some crème bru'le. Sir Burt's id and ego began debating. The id says, "Indeed, I would love some sweet, sweet crème bru'le," but Burt's ego was concerned about adding inches to his waistline, which in turn would make him look bloated for his nude photo shoot with Cosmo.

The dynamic between Burt's id and ego made either response — a "yes" or a "no" — a lie and a truth at the same time. Unfortunately, the Titanic sank shortly thereafter and the predicament was never solved.

If being an American can be increased by exercising your rights in excess, which is the very principle that modern American operates upon, if owning 10 guns makes you more American than owning no guns, if having seven different religions makes you more American than being an atheist, then being an American is based on consumption and the exploitation of the Bill of Rights. This is the consumerist dream and the idealist nightmare. This is America.

The irony is that by this rationale, even people in Thailand can be more American than American citizens. Perhaps Americanism is more of a lifestyle than an issue of nationality. Perhaps the whole world is America. What a shame.



For more lies email Eric Howerton at erichow@unm.edu