COLUMN: Don't call me ever again

Published: Tuesday, October 7, 2003

Regrettably, a while back I took a summer position situated lower on the social totem pole than lawyers. I was a telemarketer.

While the Federal Communications Commission and the Federal Trade Commission are in legal limbo over the 51 million names on the national Do Not Call list, I've been reminiscing over the tedious hours spent as a confidence trickster, the summer days I passed yelling into phones at dunderheaded customers and the $1,200 paychecks that weighed heavily in my pocket and upon my soul.

The Do Not Call list is an inventory of citizens, cataloged by the FTC, who have requested to be removed from all telemarketing databases. The FTC has proposed charging telemarketing companies that fail to recognize the list fines of up to $11,000. A directive such as this would have devastating effects on companies that rely heavily on outreach business strategies like interrupting family time, but more importantly, the list means peace and quiet for those whose throats grow hoarse with repeating, "I'm not interested."

Many telemarketing companies are playing the Constitution trump card, saying that any restriction on telemarketers directly violates freedom of speech. However, the belief that corporations have the same rights as individual citizens is built upon a prevaricated tablature of court records. A recent column by Cecil Adams, author of the Straight Dope, indicated that such a belief is a historical inaccuracy that has been perpetuated by speciousness and ignorance.

Telemarketing companies fear the diminishing pool of available clientele will result in lost jobs, and this fear is not without validity; with more than 50 million Americans already requesting to be put on the Do Not Call list, the numbers will only increase. The attrition of callable customers is not as much of a social or economic injustice as is perceived by the unbiased observer. As a former telemarketing employee, I have seen hell with my own eyes and wholeheartedly believe that telemarketing is a beast whose extinction is long overdue.

As telemarketers, we were trained briefly on our job duties, which consisted of selling a certain number of product X within a two-week period. During training, it was implied that to be a good salesman, one must be good at deceiving others and checking your conscience at the door.

A good salesmen, or so we were told, is one who can put spin on a defective product so that it looks golden. This is no easy task. It takes a certain type of mind, personality and moral turpitude. It's the type of job where it becomes hard to look at yourself in the mirror afterward knowing you have most likely been stealing dollar bills from unsuspecting little old ladies all day long.

Spinning the product equates to taking advantage of customer naiveté. A good telemarketer can make an incredulous customer long for a product they don't need, want or can't afford, and though this practice is ubiquitous in sales, I fully support any program that will keep business ventures more honest.

Telemarketers, especially those working for long-distance providers, are informed of the legal loopholes and how to speak in such a way that the customer is given the impression of truth, when in reality facts are being omitted. This type of ambiguous speech isn't as innocuous as it seems: It protects telemarketers from litigious action because they're lying between the lines rather than outright. Perhaps customers will save $5 on their long-distance telephone bill by switching from company A to company B, but often they're conned into paying hidden fees and/or restricted calling hours. Before you know it, the customer has been hoodwinked into paying more for less freedom.

Another problem of telemarketing companies is that they hire high school students who don't have enough understanding of the legal ramifications of mixing mendacity and money. Because of this they see no harm in stretching the truth in order to arrive at an enormous paycheck at the end of the week. And the pay is great. The only difference between running a short con in the streets and running a short con in an office building is the presence of a supervisor.

Telemarketers are deceptive and rude and it's no surprise that they become surly. When you call an average of 300 people a day and 99 percent of them hang up within the first 30 seconds, it can be a very trying and frustrating job.

Telemarketing is intrusive. It is Spam over the phone. And the vast majority of people who have been telemarketers in the past have no reservations revealing they flat out lied to the customer in order to make a sale. The sooner America can purify the wells of commercialization by killing off all perfidious viruses and bacteria, the better.

Eric Howerton is a Psychology and English-Philosophy major. He can be reached at erichow@unm.edu. Please don't e-mail during the dinner hour.